“I’ve tried to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life, whole years, when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satisfaction in bitterness. I courted it. It was standing outside, and I invited it in.”
― Nicole Krauss, The History of Love
- 2 years ago
Of course they do. It is stupid to think otherwise. Children certainly don’t just learn from what we say; they learn from what we do.
So, I can’t be too surprised when Eli thought quitting football was okay…but I was. I don’t quit. He has never seen me quit anything, right? WRONG.
I can’t expect him to understand the intricacies of ending the marriage to his father. He is just 5. We quit living in a house that he has always lived in and we just walked away. He has seen me smoke and quit. He has seen me buy clothes to work out in, work out and then quit. AND, to be perfectly honest, I would say that is the closest correlation he probably could draw.
What I should understand is that he sees quitting as ending something he doesn’t want to do anymore. Logic. I use it all the time, as does he, and he is highly perceptive, but for some reason I expect him to understand something that he has never been taught or shown. I can say it now, but it is too late. We can draw from this experience in the future and that probably will be the best teaching tool I can use…in the future. For now, we’re out. We turned it all in yesterday.
He starts swimming again next week and I’m happy. Because, like me, it isn’t that he doesn’t want to be involved with the team, he would just rather his own performance and participation be all that counts. I’m an introvert and I can help him learn to excel at “appearing to participate”, but be able to find solace in his own company and achievements. I didn’t realize how much like me he is, but now that I have made this connection, I think I can help him excel. I guess I’ll have to talk to my mom about what she did to help make me comfortable the way I am, but I don’t know if she will be able to answer that. We shall see…
Ceiling…Can’t go any higher than that right? How about the roof?
I’ve been controlling my debt and trying to managing it for months, but every stinkin’ time I pay off one debt a new one suddenly appears. When did I create this debt? I have very little to show for it.
Even though I’ve been a shopping fool lately, I haven’t charged anything…because I can’t. I’ve finally charged myself into debt that I’ve been slowly repaying for a year now.
Today, I made arrangements to pay off the last major credit card I have. Then, I can slowly build up my personal coffers again and maybe have something nice some day.
Resentment is a nasty monster. It sneaks up on you and then screams in your face, “Hey fat bitch, aren’t you mad about all of this shit.” And then, you’re all like, “Fuck yes, I am.”
I am not a person who wallows…in self-pity or otherwise, but by God, I am full of motherfucking resentment today.
Since the inception of this awful relationship, I haven’t been able to stand weddings, birthdays, holidays of any sort and the presents….that other people get. You see, I got nothing. Well, not a thing from my husband anyway that I didn’t give him money for. That includes an engagement ring. I didn’t buy myself one…that just seemed too depressing, even for me. I wasn’t about to get married without a wedding ring though, so I bought those..from Wal-mart.
And the lesson to be learned from all of this is, I’m a motherfucking Lady…and probably a princess in some land. I deserve some effing presents. So, I will not be getting married or probably even dating until I am certain someone else will be paying for all of the things that I would like to have…within reason of course.
Shallow? Oh hell no it isn’t. Do without and see what you think.
Sometimes during an argument, especially a long one, you have time to reflect or question how this might have been your fault. I realize my marriage had failed a while ago and it certainly can’t be just laid at one person’s doorstep. However, after much reflection (and a little help from Dave Chapelle) I realized B was using this model for marriage
And I was using, well, you know…a real one.
- 3 years ago